O Wretched Child That I Am… None The Less – Not I But Christ by Prophetess Alice Williams

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NONE THE LESS – NOT I BUT CHRIST
Beginning of my 1st book…
Created by: Prophetess Alice Williams (aka) JesusGirl864

PHRASE ONE

“WHERE IT ALL BEGAN”

(Singing song)… Jesus loves me this I know, for the bible tells me so; little ones to him below they are weak but he is strong. Yes, Jesus loves me. I can remember growing up as a very young child, being taught that song and singing it in the young children’s choir; which was called the “Sunshine Band”. You see, my parents raised my siblings and me in a Pentecostal Church; where the teachings were strong, the preaching was never boring and the choir knew how to sing. I would hear people shouting hallelujah, dancing, and falling out in the spirit. Growing up COGIC, in a Pentecostal church, all I knew is; that they knew how to have church. And although I didn’t understand all that I was seeing at the time, what I did know is it required a lot of time being spent with others. We were in church all day on Sundays, Monday night prayer and bible study, Tuesday night prayer and bible study; and not to forget Friday night youth service. That may not have been a lot for the adults, but it was a bit much for me as a growing child; I was too young to understand, the need for God at that age. I was fully aware of what the elders and the mothers of the church spoke into my young life at that time, but I was too young to embrace what was given to me. Feeling forced to participate in services that were pertaining to the young people, left me feeling overwhelmed and withdrawn. All that interested me at that age was going to church knowing that my best friend Ralphell Power was going to be there. Ralphell and I always managed to occupy our time, while the adults and the young adults participated in the services. When the teaching and preaching was going forth we would sit near the back of the church, where we attempted to have verbal conversations; there would sometimes be an occasional hush coming from the ushers. When the conversations didn’t work, we would sometimes succeed with passing notes. If we ever got caught by our parents, there would be repercussions, rather in private or public embarrassment; either way it came, it didn’t feel good.

My interest in God didn’t take place until I was 13 years old. It was at that age that all the former things that the elders and mothers of the church had been speaking into my mind; finally reached my heart. Their increased wisdom spoken into my life had me really taking an interest in the importance of how much I needed Christ in life. About how he will see me through every situation I faced, how his word is true; and how his promises would carry me. They all spoke about how important it was to develop a relationship with God early on; because he will keep me from a lot of things as I go through life. Although I was listening more, the pressure was on; because there was still a part of me that was still running away from the salvation conversation. It wasn’t easy hiding from the mothers of the church, nor was it easy escaping the conversations about God, coming from my parents; more from my dad than my mom. I was brought up in a strict home, my dad was a strong-voiced father; heavy with his voice as well as with his hands. He taught us a lot of things most of all we were to respect our elders.

I can recall the times when the elder church mothers and Pastors would call for all night prayer meetings (which were called shut-ins); which included the young children. I remember the mothers would always tarry with the young children, and the Pastor would tarry with the adults. While tarrying, I would be on my knees but questions would cross my mind; why am I doing this? When is this going to be over? At that age I had no choice, so I remained obedient as per my father; and repeated what the mothers of the church were telling me to say.

Every time there was an alter call my father would always come to get my siblings and I, from where ever we were sitting; to be prayed over. Man, with all the praying that was going on; I would always wonder why I never saw him let Pastor lay hands on him. I would question, wondering when things would change for the better; for my mother and when would my father leave. I would think it was more prevalent for him to be on the prayer line than it was for my siblings and me. That demand coming from him used to make me upset and angry; standing there waiting for Pastor to pray over me. I felt guilty for the thoughts I was having, but they were real feelings I felt; I was battling with knowing how to rid myself from the pain in my heart, and the words that penetrated my mind. I was always told and taught that God knew ALL and saw ALL, so he must have known what was in my heart and; the thoughts I was thinking. My dad was good at showing his assertiveness in front of people, how embarrassing it was; and alter call was one of those times. Once the service was over, there was a part of me that wished it didn’t end; the fear of having to go home, would set in immediately after attending Sunday services; not knowing if an argument or fight would taper off on the ride home. And from the distance to the church back home, was a long ride, a little over an hour; so you could imagine just how it could’ve been. I couldn’t help but to be sitting in the back of the car while listening at times to my dad opening up his mouth saying something; that would start an argument or fight with my mom. Just the fact of my mother not responding to him, only made him even more upset. I couldn’t help but to wonder, thinking to myself, what happened to all that praise, dance, and worship he was just giving to God; was it sincere, or simply just for show? My mind escaped from time to time, of wishing I was a part of a family, much more different than mine. I ached for peace, joy, and simply; a happy life. I didn’t know what it looked like in my real world, but I saw it in my heart; I guess even at that early age God was dealing with me, showing me things; simple incite on life. There were many days of wishing, that I could escape what was going on behind the closed doors of my home. I escaped so many times in my mind though, being in other places. It always gave me a sense of peace and safety.

You see, growing up in a dysfunctional home brought on a lot of issues for me. I walked and lived in constant fear, doubt, mistrust; anger (bad attitude), isolation, avoidance of confrontations, overeating and not to be ashamed to mention; or forget bedwetting. I even lived with hatred in my heart for my dad, and felt as if I was justified for my feelings; for I had lived out what I saw coming from and out of him. What an influence! So, with all, I was hearing from the people in the church and the bible readings at home, I had questions. How could I be loved by a man named JESUS? Whom I knew little of; when there was so much havoc going on in my home. Life at home was a “BATTLE ZONE” always feeling and having the need to protect myself because no one else had my back; my family life was each person for him/herself. We lived more like enemies than like a family. I felt in my heart a family was supposed to make you feel safe, protected, and treated with lots of love. Well, it’s sad to say, it wasn’t that way in the house/family I grew up in. I say house because it was far from being a “HOME”. I grew up in a house that demonstrated domestic violence more than the love of Jesus Christ. Seeing my siblings and my mom being physically abused by my dad, most times on a daily bases; then to hear or see my dad give God thanks and praise in the home. I had no clue, on what the love of Christ looked like; when it came down to family.

I spent most of my teen years isolated from my dad, staying away from him; especially, while in the home was my strongest desire. He seldom appeared to be happy, none of my siblings and I cared to interact with him; because of not knowing the kind of mood he would be in; when entered the house. As soon as one of my siblings would yell “dad is home”, everyone would scatter like mice; I would run to my bedroom; and it’s safe to say I wasn’t the only one, the rest of my siblings followed suit.

But when my father was away at work or out fishing, we all would interact with each other; the interaction wouldn’t be as peaceful though, as I or my mother would’ve liked it to have been. My siblings and I interacted the same way we saw my dad and mother interact with each other. I must say that my mom a lot of times tried to avoid a lot of the disputes, but how could she when at times she was forced into them; even though she didn’t want to. So the abuse we saw our mother go through we carried over and their interaction taught us how to physically and verbally abuse each other. We called each other names, cursed each out; and at times physically fought like cats and dogs. I found so much comfort in my isolation, not only from my dad but from my siblings as well; the madness really was tearing me a part on the inside. Which I never cared to express to any of them, at that time; I would always tell myself, why they would care.

I can recall as a child how it made me feel whenever my mother would tell me that she loved me. I felt her love for me, I knew it was real the moment she would say it. There is nothing like a mother’s love, and her love would make my heart feel warm; my throat would get all choked up, and sometimes my eyes would swell up with tears. Her love would make me safe, but not necessarily protected; I say that because of the abuse she was facing at the hands of my dad. I often wished as a child that I could protect her from the abuser, but I knew I couldn’t. in spite of all, my mother was a strong-willed woman; even in her quietness. She would say, Alice God knows and sees all, and she never let her kids see her weakness. She always talked about God, I always saw her reading the word of God, and she was always in her prayer closet. My mother rarely let us knows that she was praying for us, but I knew better; I could’ve just imagined the conversations she had with God. Not just concerning herself, but for her kids as well.

When I first asked Christ into my heart at the age of 13, I knew that there was a void that I needed to be filled. Thinking and hoping what I was going through, it would stop the pain I was feeling. I didn’t know at that time how to follow a father, I didn’t even know how to trust a father; trusting him to protect me, love me, comfort me, to keep me safe. How would I trust him to nurture me, to trust him to teach me what I needed to learn; and to guide my footsteps? Due to the lack of nourishment, I was receiving at home and for the lack of guidance; I found myself backsliding.

WAIT… Before I continue, let me start out by saying; that I have wrestled with what to say and how much to say. You see, I have already written what I thought was going to be the beginning phrase of this book. But deep in my spirit, I felt I was holding back what God wants to reveal. For the sake of God’s glory, it is my sincere prayer and desire that God’s glory be revealed, by telling my story of healing, deliverance, preparation, restoration, subjections, submission; and obedience, as well as, true wholeness and oneness with Christ Jesus. My deepest desire is to touch the hearts and lives of those who have not come to a point in their lives, where they haven’t begun to speak about their truths, which is enabling them to become free. Free from their hurts, pains, and disappointments; or forgiving oneself and others of mistakes past.

I’m talking about the hidden secrets you’ve been holding onto, deep down in your soul; the agonizing memories Satan constantly plays back in your mind. And the deep issues you have placed on the back burner of your heart.

To you I say speak fear no more; the Lord is listening for he saw all that was said and done. He stands patiently waiting to heal your wounds. To the suicidal person who feels life is over, don’t give in; I know you want to throw in the towel, but don’t. There is so much more life God has in store for you. The next phases of your life is bright, there is still work for you to do, and so much more to learn. And to you I say speak, God is listening. And to the sinner that hasn’t repented from their wrongs, turned from their ways; and also to the child of God that hasn’t yet fully surrendered their lives over to the Lord and only Savior. To you, I say God is patiently waiting. (But we must know that time is winding down). I want this book to be God’s instrument and tool in freeing someone else, just as Christ has freed me; from all the agonizing pains I’ve carried. I pray you will allow this book to bring you to a higher understanding, and calling in Christ Jesus.

(I will be posting more as the Lord permits)

#KingdomBusiness – #JesusGirl864

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